When sorry just isn't enough...

No smoking ban in this restaurant

Do say you'll stay for lunch....

This week the descendents of cannibals in Papua New Guinea issued an apology to the Methodist Church for killing and eating four of its missionaries.

The group of four had arrived in PNG in 1875 to spread Christianity... but it seems the locals misunderstood the purpose of the delegation. On a brief visit to some Tolai tribespeople on the Gazelle Peninsula in 1878, the four found themselves on the menu of their own reception feast.

Reprisals followed by the Head of the Mission and many tribes people were killed and villages torched.

At last, this week, they've all kissed and made up, and the descendents of the cannibals have apologised for that little misunderstanding over the cooked missionaries.

But the true facts of the episode still remain shrouded in mystery... and this viner at least, thinks we should be told the real truth....

What was the secret recipe used?

A little research into the culinary habits of the Tolai suggest smoking was a popular means of curing missionaries and other meat.

The head of the mission at the time, Pastor Brown, reported to the Royal Geographical Society: "A human hand, smoke-dried, was hanging in the same house. And outside I counted 76 notches in a coconut tree, each notch of which, the natives told us, represented a human body which had been cooked and eaten there."

So I wondered whether Missionary-Bacon appears anywhere as a main course (I'm assuming it wasn't a breakfast dish). But Google came up blank - the Tolai are obviously keeping their secret recipes to themselves.

What I did find though, shocked me to the core. Recipes from Papua New Guinea for Sago Grub Sate with Peanut Sauce, Flying Fox with Prunes and Cream Sauce and Python Soup.

This gives a little insight into what life as a Papua New Guinean chef must have been like.

Steam three dozen Sago grubs. You may remove the heads, but it is not necessary. Combine the following ingredients, and heat, but do not boil, to make Sate Sauce:

5 - 6 oz. ground fresh roasted peanuts or the same amount best quality peanut butter 4-6 small, hot chiles, finely chopped 1 clove garlic, crushed 1 stem lemon grass, chopped 1 tbsp lime juice 2 tbsp soy sauce 200 ml coconut milk

Put the grubs on a wooden skewer (six to a stick) and cover with half the sauce. Grill over a charcoal fire or in the oven for about 5 minutes. Then turn over, cover with the rest of the sauce and grill another 5 minutes. Serve with rice.

Given the difficulty in obtaining the best quality peanut butter and soy sauce in remote parts of PNG in 1878, we have to assume that the awful taste of Sago Grub would have been rather more pronounced in the old days. No wonder a spot of tasty tender missionary would have been seized on as a delicious alternative.

Or take the soup recipe:

First, catch your snake. This should be a python. Tie the snake to a pole and while still alive, skin and remove excess fat. Remove the gall bladder and keep for other culinary/medical purposes. Chop the snake into one inch lengths and place in a pot of cold water. Bring to the boil and simmer for 3-4 hours. When cooking is complete, discard the water. (Boil the head of the snake separately, the liquid is useful as a remedy against choking.) Meanwhile, prepare separately stock from a chicken (an old one) and/or pork scraps, onion, chili, salt and pepper. While this is cooking, skim off the fat and discard. Cook for 3-4 hours, let cool and remove all extraneous elements. Prepare also a herb soup of abika cabbage and a large quantity of ginger. Combine all ingredients and reheat. As an optional extra, brandy may be added.

Again... speaking from the point of view of the Tolai chef here... I'd rather fancy my chances tying a live middle-aged missionary to a pole than a rather irritated python. (I also have to say, if trying to catch and cook a python, I'd reverse the recipe and add the brandy to the chef before embarking on any snake-wrestling).

The outcome of all my extensive research is that I still didn't manage to find the secret recipe of the Tolai tribe. But I did establish that roast, baked, smoked or stewed missionary was certainly tastier than any of the local fare available at the time. The reasons for eating the missionaries seem pretty justified to me.

So this week's apology is superfluous - thanks all the same. Now tell us the recipe! We need to know!

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