Why Germans are responsible for Global Warming

Fart ingredients

Photo by Steve Ling. (License: Creative Commons Attribution)

I have discovered the true major contributor to Global Warming. Really.

It all started (as many things do) with a conversation with my German colleague Birgit (you remember - the one who thinks all British people are dysfunctional idiots - and she should know, she married one).

She was reading the English newspapers online yesterday and suddenly looked up with that glint in her eye which says she's discovered some new piece of British lunacy.

"The problem with you Brits," she declares, "is that you cause most of Europe's Global Warming. It's your public transport system. You can't make it work properly. The buses and trains are chaotic and don't run on time. So everyone ends up using their own car. Hence all the emissions."

I love the way Birgit always emphasises "you" in that way which implies that I am somehow personally responsible for the entirety of the British transport system's failings.

Anyway, this got me thinking about the Germans. OK their trains do run pretty much on time, I'll grant them that. But they do plenty of things which create a carbon footprint the size of a Hausfrau's backside.

Take the food that they eat, for example. Sauerkraut, Kassler mit Bohnen, Linsensuppe.... all guaranteed to have those Germans producing methane from their rear ends by the cubic metre....

I had an email yesterday from a reader of Planet Germany who had this to say:

Finished reading it just before the weekend. Loved it ... Handkäse mit Musik. Class. I had tears of laughter streaming down my eyes which seems to be frowned upon on the Jubliee Line!

Handkäse mit Musik, for those unfamiliar with German cuisine, is a specially designed type of cheese - a delicacy in Germany - which....erm... makes the diner fart like crazy. That's the "Musik" bit. It's a German joke, see? People in the Frankfurt area sit around in the pubs drinking the local Apfelwein (or Ebbelwoi as they pronounce it down there), and eat bucketloads of the stuff. And the noise of their rear-ends is like an enthusiastic but untuned brass band.

I'm surprised that they haven't all suffocated by the end of the evening due to the unfavourable methane-to-oxygen ratio in the atmosphere.

I did also note, that against all of Birgit's expectations... my dear reader was actually travelling on the Jubilee Line while reading my novel. He may have been suffering a delay, may possibly have been committing a terrible faux pas by laughing uncontrollably while riding the train.... but there he was, saving the planet by using public transport, while learning about the Germans and their ecologically-unsound habits.

So, Viners, I put it to you that it is in fact the Germans who are responsible for Global Warming, not the Brits. I rest my case.

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